A day to be thankful, and I am, for some things. I'm glad I finally read the instructions on the furnace and put the flame in the right place to light pilot light on the furnace. I'm glad that I blew no more fuses after waking up to a 60 degree house yesterday morning. Granted I would have given anything for 60 degrees in here last summer, but when it's only 12 outside, it puts a whole new perspective on having only 60 of those blood warming gizmo's present in the house.
I'm thankful that this year I get to spend it with my mom and her husband. The downside is that I wish our family were designed for the family gathering types of holidays. It makes me feel a little less "singular" when surrounded by siblings, in-laws and the children, grand nieces and nephews. I think it allows one to feel a little more like life will go on, long beyond where mine will end. A bridge if you will, or sandbar, from one island to another.
I'm grateful that all of my four legged family, and my more recent foster charges, are all in good health even if they think our house is too small for 4 kittens, 7 cats and one large dog. We are all healthy, relatively happy and most importantly warm and safe on this Thanksgiving morning.
I'm grateful this year too, that I am coming up on 3 years post cancer. Three years ago this time, I was "taking a break" between surguries to try and get the cancer out of my left breast. And preparing myself for the inevitable removal of both. At the time I was ready for it to be over... to have it, them, gone so that I didn't have to do any radiation or drug treatment. A part of me knows this was the right thing to do, from a medical standpoint. But undressing and seeing the scars, the lack of feeling nearly everywhere on my chest and watching my waist and my hips outgrow the size of my chest is more than a little disconcerting. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I miss them. Not because they are what makes a woman a woman, but because I know what's there isn't real anymore. For me, as much, or more, than for anyone else. It's a constant reminder of those months in 2007 from August to December and beyond... surguries in August, September, October and the big one in December. And now, a lifetime of wondering. Did I merely dodge a bullet back then? will it come back and not allow me the luxury of letting someone just cut it off/out of my body and go on from there? Is this what will take my life? My mother, bless her golden mother's heart, was there for me then, every single step of the way. If it does come back, will the timing allow me to have her with me again, or will I face this alone, as I have done much of my life. Questions, questions... and none to be answered today, now, but to be ever looming in the back of my mind, and darker recesses of my soul.
Aah, but thankful we are. That, although seriously overweight, to the point of being shaped more like a pear than an hourglass these days, we are, as far as anyone knows, cancer free and in relatively good health. Mom is in good health and I think, as much as I can know, that my estranged sister and her family are all in good health, same with my brother who turned 53 yesterday and the other brother out in Maine somewhere, doing whatever it is that Joe does these days. No news is good news they say... they also say ignorance is bliss.. kay saraah.
But I will make a concerted effort today to be thankful, in spite of whatever life lessons seem to be battering me into oblivion and depression lately. I am thankful for the roof over my head, warmth, plenty of coffee and creamer in the kitchen, gas in the tank, a job - not a dream job, but good enough for now. And what I am most grateful for now, is the love and friendship that my mother and I share. She is my best friend, THE best friend I could ask for. And I get to spend the day with her and her husband and we'll laugh, and eat and enjoy the day and being together. What more could you ask for on Thanksgiving?
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